Disclaimer - I am not sharing this for pity, just wanting to share some background to get to the lessons I am learning right now. Our God IS Great!
Some of you know of the struggles I have had over the last few years that kind of peaked this summer. For those of you who don't - here is a "brief" synopsis:
Almost 4 1/2 years ago I found out I was pregnant with our first child. At my first appointment I found out I had had a missed miscarriage and needed to have a D & C. 5 months later I found out I was pregnant again. Once again I had a missed miscarriage and needed another D & C. Decided to take a break on trying and focus on figuring out what was wrong with my body that it couldn't sustain pregnancies. That is when I was diagnosed with PCOS and started to be treated with medication. 7 months later I found out I was pregnant again. With much fear and trembling we proceeded. I had to take hormones for the first trimester b/c part of the problem we have definitely figured out is that my body does not produce enough progesterone on its own. After the first trimester I'm good to go. Anyway, on with the journey. 7 months into the pregnancy I was put on bedrest due to high blood pressure (this I believe was totally caused by job-related stress, cause it was back down by the time she was born). At that time we also found out she was breech and we started to plan for a c-section. A week before the scheduled c-section she turned around, but could not 'engage', so we proceeded with the c-section. 2 months after she was born I started my medication again and continued on my journey. Things were quiet for about a year and a half and then I started having bad cramping and pain every month. My doctor suspected endometriosis and suggested we start trying to get pregnant again. After trying for about 6 months and with the pain getting worse and worse he decided to do laprascopic surgery to take a look and ended up removing some endometriosis. A month later i was pregnant again. At 7 1/2 weeks I had a spontaneous miscarriage - this time twins. I had already miscarried some and went to the dr - he did an ultrasound and found that there was still a baby there, but 2 days later I miscarried that one as well. That was in July of this year. And now we are at the present.
I have struggled so much over the last couple of months. Mainly with fear. Fear of getting pregnant. Fear of not getting pregnant. Fear of endometriosis returning. Just plain fear. As a result of this fear I have at times been distant from my God, my husband, my friends, and the list goes on. Its been an up and down struggle. Every time I think I've gotten 'there' (wherever that might be) I realize I am still afraid and have picked up the burden that I thought was at the foot of the cross.
This weekend I found out 3 of my friends are pregnant and spent an evening with someone who talked a lot about abortion, at times lumping miscarriages in with it. I was so sick to my stomach I didn't eat but 2 bites of the $20 meal I was paying for. That is when I realized I had picked up my burden again.
Searching for some encouragement the Lord kept leading me back to Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I've heard these verses so many times before and often quoted them to others, but hadn't thought to apply them to this situation. In the Proverbs 31 devotional yesterday, When Healing Never Comes, Wendy Blight described her inward battle as their family deals with her daughter having scoliosis. In that devotional, she paraphrased these verses and personalized them to their situation. Here is mine:
Julie, trust Me with all of your heart. Do not depend on the knowledge of doctors, pharmacists, friends, or even yourself. Do not lean on your fears. Acknowledge Me. Depend on Me, Julie. My Timing. My Power. My Omniscience. My Strength. My Love. I promised to direct your path, and I have. This is the path I have led you to follow. Trust Me. [bold taken directly from Wendy's paraphrase]
It's the part that reads "This is the path I have led you to follow" that I struggle with the most and begin to ask "Why?". Why would you do this to someone, Lord? And then I hear His gentle voice reminding me that that isn't for me to know right now. It's just part of His perfect plan. Trust Me. Such a simple phrase, but I can almost audibly hear God whispering that in my ear.
I encourage anyone who might be reading this to also paraphrase these verses. As I wrote that I could almost feel the peace wash over me. God is in control.
I am also taken back to Philippians 4:6-8:
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
When we leave our problems at the foot of the cross, according to these verses, God will guard your heart and your mind. The definition of guard is to keep safe from harm or danger; protect; watch over. He will protect you. Sometimes being protected means not having all the answers. Allow God to protect you by not taking back what should be left at the foot of the cross. Let Him keep control and watch over you.
Well, this post seems to be plenty long, so I won't keep your attention any longer. If anyone reading this has something similar that I could be praying for, please leave a comment. If you don't want your story to be public, just put a note at the beginning that you don't wish for it to be published.
God loves you, my friend. Lean into His everlasting arms and relinquish control of whatever your holding on to.
Trust Me.
(this one was an accident cause she refused to smile - we thought it was cute anyway)
