This last week I was wondering why our Bible study chapter wasn't affecting me so much. It was called Mind Control, so you would have thought that I would have gleaned something from it. But, unfortunately, it seemed like there was a 'road closed' sign between God and my heart.

I was bothered by this, but didn't take the time to sit and pray and read the Bible to see what I needed to get rid of in my life to get past the road block.

On Monday night while we discussed the chapter I felt like my heart was not in it. I didn't know exactly why, but the obvious reason was there was something sinful in my life separating me from God.

On Tuesday I was talking to a friend on the phone and we started talking about something that we have both been going through. The longer we talked about it the harder the Lord hit me over the head with the knowledge of exactly what I had been doing. I was being controlling and planning to manipulate.

That evening I put my daughter to bed and sat down with my Bible and prayed and read and cried for about 30 minutes. Thank God for His amazing forgiveness that is always available. I prayed with David:

"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me."(Psalm 51:1-3 NASB)

I continued to pray through Psalm 51 and was hit really hard when I read v. 8.
"Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice."
What I was struggling with was in direct connection to a diagnosis I received in September. I needed to have joy and gladness and rejoice in the way God made me and what He was doing in my life through the way that I am seemingly 'broken'. That is the exact term that I have used many times to describe myself.

I continued to pray that God would
"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You." (v. 10-13)

2 weeks ago in Bible study the chapter was about having a willing spirit. I need to be willing to let God do whatever He knows is best for me. Another very powerful word in Scripture - let. 3 little letters that are so very hard to say. Especially for someone who likes to have control over every situation.

So pray with me as I continue to work on 'letting' God work in my life and giving Him complete control.

I must also say that I am very thankful for the forgiving spirit that God has graciously given my husband. He very sweetly listened, forgave and prayed with me.

Praise the Lord!!